The Pope recently extended an invitation to priests and parishioners of the Church of England, dissatisfied with their church's stance on the ordination of women ministers and the blessing of homosexual unions, to join the Catholic Church.
The Vatican announced further overtures to sweeten the deal:
The Vatican announced further overtures to sweeten the deal:
- Instead of invocation, all church services to begin with "Chim chim chiminy, chim chim chiminy, chim chim cher-ee" and end with "Chim chim chiminy, chim chim chiminy, chim chim cher-oo"
Sometimes you can overdo the whole Ash Wednesday thing.
- Communion wine and wafer replaced with bangers and mash and a pint o' Guinness
- Stories about an invisible man in the sky, a burning bush that talks when nobody else is around, a giant floating zoo built by hand, and a friendly zombie named Lazarus sound much smarter with an English accent
- You can get more blokes into the smallest pub than the largest cathedral
Consider a pub crawl a kind of genuflection.
- Married Anglican priests not asked to renounce their wives, as married men have about as much sex as celibate dudes, anyway
- New Testament expanded to include Gospel of Churchill, as it contains many pithy quotations, it's got the word church in it, and it's inspirational because he was, y'know, a real fuckin' person
The meek shall inherit my foot in their arses.
- Closeted homosexual priests have ready-made alibi: "We're not gay. We're British."
- You'd sell a lot more Bibles if you slapped J.K. Rowling's name on 'em
- Catchy slogan aimed at uptight Englanders: "The Catholic Church -- Come for the emotional repression, stay for the sexual repression"
- Chorus from "The Ballad of John and Yoko" makes a jumpin' hymn
- Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, and Helen Mirren allowed to convert, but they must agree to be circumcised
- Beefeaters welcome in Council of Cardinals, as guys with funny hats can relate
Hero and villain from the worst superhero movie ever
- David Beckham declared "Best Abs Ever," narrowly beating out Jesus
- To alleviate concerns about widespread child molestation, congregations regularly read aloud from Oliver Twist, and if you pop wood, you're out
"Give them to me young and they're mine forever."
(St. Francis Xavier quoted by Stephen King,
who should know from horror)
(St. Francis Xavier quoted by Stephen King,
who should know from horror)
- Well, okay, you're not out, but you're transferred somewhere else. Excommunicating a person for diddling little boys and girls, even prosecuting them criminally, is kind of a Great Expectation.
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